Dad.

It seems I only stop by this place to offer some piece of bad news but I suppose I need to write it down and this seems as good a place as any.

My dad passed away last Tuesday. He had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had already spread other places but that was just the latest pronouncement in a long line of health issues. What I knew was that his body wouldn't be able to do both chemo and dialysis for long - you name a chemo symptom, he seems to have gotten to experience it. He went quietly surrounded by all his children and his wife, my mom.

This seems to be a kind of sorrow that buries itself deep in your bones, stretches your marrow, and makes your whole body ache. I think I'll carry it with me always, ever stretching, aching. I wonder if it will seem lighter with time - that the ache will be less, that someday I might get through an entire day without tears. I'm told I might.

Here is where I find joy: a friend, who is exactly 7 months ahead of me on this journey, reminded me - you will have a hard time getting past what you've lost. But think of what he's gained. What joy! What unspeakable, un-nameable, unimaginable joy in this weighty sorrow. To think - of heaven and Jesus and bodies that work and maybe even a round of golf. Do you think God will grant him a game or two of blackjack? He doesn't have to bet anything - just to let him enjoy the game.

This year - before 2019 became the year I lost my dad - I chose "brave" as my word of the year. Try new things, go on adventures, get healthy and now, keep going, making your dad proud. Ann Voskamp put it in words better than I could, as always:

"Sometimes doing hard things
looks like doing the next everyday thing
like putting your running shoes on
like turning the screen off
like breathing

Breathing is brave.
Hoping is brave.
The next step is brave.
This is how Rome was built, Everest was scaled, and your battles are won.

This new year, we refuse to write
the same old story:
We are Staying in the Story,
the Word,
who guarantees to make us new.

Exhale.
Forward."